Tag: Motherhood

From the moment I knew you were growing inside me, you have been a vessel to tutor me in learning and progressing, overcoming and becoming more of who I am meant to be. 

The decision to have you was not even a question once I received such a clear answer from God that you were waiting to come to us. Yes, that decision was easy because I have full trust in God and I know not to lean unto my own understanding. I know God knows what is best for our family and me and I will follow what He says.

However, although that decision was easy, it came with immense fear and doubt as to how I would be able to do it. As you know getting your last brother here was full of difficult, painful, long days on bed rest and an intense traumatic and medically scary entrance into this world. That was followed by a very long, life changing recovery both physically and mentally.

So while taking the pregnancy test to find out if you were already with me, my heart was pounding. I set a timer for 2 minutes and I prayed hard for those 2 minutes without even glancing at the stick. My prayer sounded a little like this, “Heavenly Father I know that Thou wants me to do this, but I am terrified. I’m so scared. I have so much fear. I thought I was healed from the trauma but I am not because there is such deep, overpowering fear in getting pregnant again. I know Thou wants me to do this, but how am I supposed to do it? 
Please help me. 
Comfort me. 
Guide me. “
Slowly as I was pleading and pouring my heart to Heavenly Father, peace and a soft contentment started filling my heart. I found myself saying right before the timer went off, “Ok if it is Thy will Father, Thy will be done. Thou knows better than me and if this is Thy way, I accept it. Even if I am supposed to die in bringing this little child to the world.
ok. 
Thy will be done, Lord.”
The timer went off, with peace so real it felt tangible and somehow my bathroom felt and looked even lighter. I looked over. 

Positive.

I learned a powerful lesson of aligning my will with Gods because of you my darling little gi

It was a beautiful thing that happened. I realized that I probably wasn’t going to die but I learned to fully lean into God’s will and acknowledge that His path and plans for me are truly far greater and going to provide far more learning than my “safe” plans are. 
And because of me leaning completely to God, My fear was completely swallowed up….

And then my whole perspective changed.

In bringing you to earth, I am aiding in God’s work by helping YOU progress to YOUR eternal life because getting a body is a crucial step for YOU. Having that bigger picture as my mindset, completely changed how I looked at having you. I felt completely honored to be the one to bring you here. And although, throughout my pregnancy with you, fear kept showing up, leaning on God helped me keep going and remember you and what you needed.

My sweet, Evelyn. You have purpose. You have meaning.  You have such a beautiful life ahead of you. You have filled our souls with such an elegant love. I sit in awe at your ability to turn a frown upside down. I’m amazed at how quickly you rush to the aide of those who are sad and you are only 18 months old. Your heart is one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed on this earth. You are a pure, sweet shining beacon and you have brightened our home and each of our lives.

Thank you for waiting for me to choose to have you. Thank you for being willing to come to a mom who is still learning. Thank you for being a willing tutor to me. Thank you for being the warm sunshine I didn’t even realize I was missing. I am more complete with you. I truly adore you my dear girl.

With all my love, your mama